Really?!

You know that mobile phone commercial out right now where people are so into their phones that they are oblivious to the world around them and onlookers exclaim, "REALLY?!" as it is all just so ridiculous? Well, that's about how I feel with some of the remarks and reactions I've received from people on our plans to adopt. It's sad that so many have a negative view on adoption because they 'heard' this and 'heard' that, yet they don't 'know' for themselves.

First, let me take a step back as it will have a point later on, trust me. And this isn't a nice subject, but it is a part of me and the older I get, the less I want to hide it because if I speak out and give someone else the confidence to speak out against it, then I've done a good thing. I was sexually abused by my paternal grandfather when I was a child. Yep, horrible. I'm thankful that I had a sister who was brave enough to tell a friend, who was strong enough to tell an after school program teacher, who didn't blow it off and told my mom. And I am so blessed to have a mom who believed us, advocated for us, and took us away from that situation. How people can say a child can make up such horrific acts, is beyond me. Anyway, we went through counseling, and I am a strong person. He can't hurt me anymore and it's not something that I dwell on. It's turned over to God and what a weight off my shoulders! However, I am marked so to speak. I wanted to work in the church nursery/preschool to start interacting with younger kids, anything to help with raising our own. However, going through the screening/application process I immediately knew I would be banned. Why? The glaring question, "Have you ever been sexually abused?" Sadly, there is some statistic out there that states that those who were abused are more likely to do it to someone else. It's something I cannot even fathom doing, but I knew I had to withdraw. While it's frustrating, I get it and there is no sense in getting angered by it, there are other ways I can help the church and help myself help kids.

So, now, back to adoption. I have been absolutely floored with the responses I have received when telling others about our plans. And yes, many have been positive, but it's the negative ones that keep you from sleeping at night. The negative responses go something like this, "Why don't you have your 'own' kids." As if adopted wouldn't be my own child. Number 2 is, "You do know those kids from the state are troubled/messed up/bad (insert your own negative word here)."

My most recent outrage, and this person truly takes the cake, occured yesterday. I decided it was time to tell those I work with since we have told so many people and I didn't want them to hear it second hand. I knew I would be approached with negativity from a certain someone as this is her nature. However, I suppose I wasn't fully prepared to take the blow.

It went a little something like this after I told her we were adopting: "What?! Why?! I mean, that's great but why don't you have your own kids first?" These will be my kids! "I know, but you need to feel that life growing inside of you." Alright, so I broke down and shared that I didn't think we'd be able to have our own without medical help, but really, that has nothing to do with it. I am fine without 'carrying a child.' Perhaps there is something wrong with me, but I just don't have that emotional need. And yes, I get that it is a beautiful thing and if I ever experience it, I would be grateful. But I have heard this several times, 'why don't you just have your own kids.' It's sad that adoption is viewed as second best. I hate hate hate that stigma. We are all God's creatures and we are all to be loved and to receive His grace.

She then returned to my office to say something that almost had me fly off the handle: "You are an intelligent person, and Clint is an intelligent person, which means you would probably have an intelligent child. These kids (those in foster care) are troubled and messed up." REALLY?? Seriously?! A) Who knows what our child would be like. We are all individuals, all unique. What if we had a special needs child? Or, back to the, what if we can't have a biological child? B) Yes, these kids are troubled, wouldn't you be if you had to endure abuse and neglect? So, somehow they are worth less? Aren't worth loving? Can't overcome and be intelligent people? And who says intelligence has anything to do with measures of self worth? And here is where my point in the beginning ties back in: I was sexually abused, lived with an alcoholic and drug addicted father, am I troubled and messed up (perhaps, one should not answer that, lol) and not worth loving? It's interesting because she was telling me that I shouldn't 'just give up' on the nursery issue that it wasn't fair to me. Well then, what about all these children? And no, I don't have my head in the sand thinking that all will be peachy and I am somehow 'saving' these children and that I will make them angels. I know it will be tough, parenthood is tough, but having children isn't about just 'helping the kids'. We need them as much as they need us. It's a two-way street.

The final straw, race. It makes me want to cry just thinking about it. I told her I was fine with adopting any race, however that I did have reservations about adopting an African American child. The reason, I don't want them to miss out on their heritage. Yet, if I can provide them a loving home and prevent them from bouncing around 'the system' then perhaps I would be doing the right thing. It's something I struggle with, I just don't want them to feel like they are missing out on a huge part of who they are, but I would do my best to integrate their heritage into our lives. Anyway, this person got this look of...disgust at the thought of having to touch an African American child. Oh my! My heart is in a million pieces. Now, this was in discussion of trying to do the simple act of doing their hair. I was talking about how I would have to learn how to do intricate hair stylings, but I am up for the challenge, I've seen others master it! And you should have seen the braids I could whip out on my My Little Ponies as a child!

Anyway, yesterday really broke me down, but only made me more determined. I pray God will use me as a voice to the world that adoption is not 'second best' or that anyone is unworthy in his sight.