Let's get this ball rolling!

Clint and I have been talking about adoption, reading about adoption, and talking to others about adoption for what seems like forever now (I know it's not and I'm sure that many will probably think that we aren't thinking things through all the way and 'jumping the gun'). We are so anxious to get things in motion, but we also have a timeline with me wanting to work another year so there is no reason to get ahead of ourselves either. I finally called Buckner (yes, we are going to work through Buckner) on Wednesday to get an understanding of what the timeline is for the process.

We will have to take a PRIDE training course that is offered in February (on Saturdays) or in August (Mon/Thurs evenings). They might add in a third/fourth class series, but are unsure of when. The process to become licensed will take 4-6 months. The PRIDE classes are good for one year. We were concerned about starting those too early, having the certification lapse and then having to take it all over again. However, we were told that if we stay in contact with Buckner, etc., that we wouldn't have to repeat the entire class, but perhaps take a one day class on something such as 'attachment issues'. So, knowing all of that, we have decided to take the February class! We worry that if we wait until August, we wouldn't be licensed until well into the following year. I'm sure my employer will want to replace me at the calendar year so I don't want to be sitting at home while we wait for licensing. We were also reminded that we could put our child in day care if need be. So, if we get licensed before the end of next year, and a child needs a placement, while daycare is not ideal to me, it would be a short term situation.

So, like I said, February it is! We are so excited! Of course, this is all based on our pre-application being approved (filled out today). In addition to PRIDE, we'll have lots of other documents/things to take care of such as the main applicaiton, CPR, criminal background check, and the 'scary' home study! I'm just so ready to be 'in' the process rather than saying we 'will' do the process.

Currently, this weekend is going to be a busy one! Lots of cooking/cleaning to do to get ready to host Clint's family for Christmas on Sunday evening. Making of the Christmas 'goodies' is new territory for me. Pray for me that it turns out...or perhaps, pray for Clint's family since they will be eating it, ha ha! After this weekend though, life begins to slow down a bit and then we will be headed to Abilene for Christmas. I can't wait!

It's that time of year

I love the Christmas season! I love it so much I put up two Christmas trees! Of course, I know I'll be kicking myself come January when it's time to take them down, but how awesome would it be to have them year round? I love a room lit by simply the glow of a Christmas tree. And I have to avoid the stores because I want every sparkling decoration out there. Totally not necessary I know, and definitely not a part of the Dave Ramsey plan.

However, the part I don't like, is the busy-ness. Well, I do and I don't. I love getting together with friends over a good meal and laughing over a white elephant gift exchange. But, sometimes I feel like we put too much stress on ourselves this time of year and do too many things because 'it's Christmas and that's what you do at Christmas." I wonder if we are truly enjoying the season with all that we have going on. We keep a white board calendar in the kitchen to keep track of activities and it is so scribbled on this month. It's exhausting just looking at it!

Clint and I picked out an 'angel tree' child to buy presents for and then he had one through work as well. I enjoy shopping for these kids, especially since we don't have kids of our own and don't get to buy the 'fun' stuff. However, it also makes me so incredibly sad, wondeirng what these kids may be dealing with in their lives. Are mom and dad really just hard on their luck this year, or were drugs and alcohol higher on the priority list than proper clothing? Is dad even around? Do they have a warm place to sleep? I read in the paper about how there were still 500 angels that hadn't been picked so we went and grabbed two more. I know it's a drop in the bucket, but I hope we bring a smile to at least a handful of kids faces on Christmas morning.

Speaking of smiling kids, I met with my little fourth graders today. They did awesome on their journals! I was really blown away. I expected them to only have perhaps a couple days filled out and the rest blank. And then I expected a couple of one-liners for their journal entries. They filled out every day and wrote lots! One of my girls, Miss M, even took hers home and wrote on the weekend she liked it so much. I thoroughly enjoyed reading them and I think they liked reading mine as well. I did notice one common theme through all three, they said something to the effect that they are nice girls but when someone crosses them the wrong way, they get mean. I hope we can work on this issue. I'm somewhat amazed that they volunteered that piece of information out. I wonder if it is something that people tell them often, or if they truly understand that what they are doing is mean.

They were extremely excited about my reward system: 2 stickers for green and 1 for yellow. Earn 7 stickers for a small treat/prize and 35 stickers gets them a lunch of their choice. Two of the three earned at least 7 stickers this week. Miss A however only earned 4. I hated not being able to give her the 'treat' for the week and she was sad. However, I need to stick to my guns and set up guidelines/boundaries. They were already dreaming about what their special lunch would be. Miss N asked, 'Could it be anything? Even McDonalds?!' Ha ha, yes, even McDonalds, even though it will greatly pain me to have to go to that place. Perhaps I should show them Supersize Me in advance to see if that changes their minds, lol.

Again, I am so happy I decided to mentor because they certainly bring a smile to my face. With all of the hussle and bussle this time of year, I'm thankful that I get to slow things down and see the world through the eyes of a child.

Stepping outside of my comfort zone

As I mentioned awhile back when I began the Leadership Longview program, I am very much an introvert. I enjoy meeting new people and making new friends, but it's not something that comes easy or naturally to me. Well, I was asked to do something (indirectly through the Leadership Longview program) that I felt was WAY outside my comfort zone...being a mentor for an elementary school. I didn't have to say yes, I wasn't asked directly, just a general question to the group for volunteers. Now, while it may be out of my comfort zone, it's something that I WANTED to do. So, I threw myself in the ring.

I was matched with a fourth grade teacher at a nearby school. I met with her last week and she asked me to take three little girls under my wing. She said they are quite smart, but have terrible attitudes. In just the time I was there, two of them were already in trouble. Yikes bikes! How am I to handle this? I had brief introductions with the girls and promised to be back this week.

All last week I agonized and toiled over what to do with them, what to say, etc. Who knew fourth graders could be so scary, ha ha! I decided on getting the girls journals (and one for me as well). They are to write their color of the day, something they did that day, and then something about a specified topic I give them. Their color is in reference to their behavior color system in class. Green being the best, red the worst. Their topic this week was to tell me something about themselves. I don't want/expect anything long or too private/personal, but it will be a way for me to learn about their days/them and for them to be able to do the same with me. And, I hope it will also lead to some talking points, such as, why they earned a 'bad' color and what are some ways we can do things differently in the future so that we can stay on a 'good' color. Or, what their goals are in life and what are some steps they can take to achieve those things.

Anyway, today was my first real day with them and I wasn't sure how they would respond to the journal idea. Well, they LOVED it! Whew! They were really excited and wanted to fill them out right then and there. One of the girls actually wants to be an author (and chef) when she grows up so being able to write was right up her alley.

I've definitely got my work cut out for me with these three, but I already love them. I'm glad our initial day is over so that now I can relax. I'm trying to put some things together that we can do as a group such as short games, activities, etc. Meeting during lunch time doesn't give me a whole lot of time with them so I've got to make the best of it.

A smashing good time and a breakthrough

So my best friend and her family came up for a visit this past weekend. Did I mention she has twin 22 month old boys?! Wowzers!! This was the first time she has come up to visit me (I usually go to visit her) since our wedding. I knew that we would probably have to move a few things out of the boys reach once they got here...decorative, breakable fall pumpkins, etc. However, I had NO idea the things they would think to get into! To be honest, it scared the living daylights out of me! Here I want to take in young children when I'm living in a war zone for toddlers. Their radars were set on 'seek and destroy' from morning to night. They claimed a few casualties, but never fear, Aunt Gina came back with a counter attack...

We decided to let the boys burn off some energy at the park so I took them to the awesome Kidsview park here in town. Being as I don't have kids, I didn't know if there would be anything age appropriate or not, but it seemed like a good idea at the time. The boys were having a ball climbing up and sliding down. We were good about always having someone go up with them and then having someone wait at the bottom of a slide for them. Well, so they had mostly been going down the tube slides and all was well until Jacob found another slide...a wavy slide. Sure, great, so I line him up and send him off...he launched off the first 'wave' and went airborne, only to come crashing down and hit his head on the next 'wave'. Oops! Did I do that?! Fortunately, after a few second melt down, his body of steel was good to go. Whew!

Despite my plots against them, the boys survived their weekend visiting Aunt Gina. In all seriousness though, I was so happy they came up to visit because I just don't get to see them often enough. And I love those little adorable boys, despite what onlookers may think. It was a good learning weekend too. Once Clint and I start readying our house for foster/adopt children, I shall have to invite them back up and let the kids loose so that I can discover any hazard I may have missed!

Now on to a change of subject...well, still about kids really. Yesterday, I think I witnessed a breakthrough! The woman I work with that made so many horrible comments about adoption a couple of weeks ago came into my office. She is a Christian and listens to KLOVE. Of course, this being national adoption month, there is a lot of talk about it. On the station, they were interviewing a couple who had adopted. They were discussing about how it took awhile for them to get on the same page because the husband was hesitant. He said, "As soon as I said the words, 'why don't we have our own kids' I realized how foolish a statement that was." My coworker told me about hearing this story and I could see the gears turning. She had said those very words to me. I think she realized that her statement wasn't good, but she couldn't come out and say it either, but I've got her thinking!

However, she told me this adoption story a few days after stating this, "I just want to give you a tip. If you take in a black baby and they are really light-skinned, don't think they will stay that way. That's how they start out, but they get darker." Wow! Clearly need some work on her heart in that area. Can you just imagine? Like I would honestly freak out at the sight of a darker child? I wish I could speak eloquently, but I was honestly left stunned over the remark and simply stammered out that I didn't care about the color of the skin. In fact, my mom tells me the story about when my younger sister was born and going to the nursery to see her. They pointed my sister out to me, but I kept insisting that another baby, a black baby, was my sister.

Last night, a couple in our church invited us over for dinner. They are about our age and told us they plan to go through the foster/adopt process as well. They too have been faced with animosity over adopting a child of a different race...from family members. It's nice to know that we are not alone and that we will potentially have a couple going through the same trials and tribulations. Although, with them being a youth minister and an elementary school teacher, I'm sure they will make it through much more gracefully than we will so therefore, it will be nice to have a GOOD example to follow. :)

Calming down...

Well, I really hate that my last post left a sense of negativity in the blog. I've had time to calm down and think through things. Overall, I know that the person I spoke of in my last post means well for me. She does want the best for me. However, she wants what SHE thinks is best, which isn't necessarily what God or I think is best. And I know she doesn't want to see me in pain or struggle. Adoption, especially from CPS IS going to be hard and I know their will be tears and lots of difficult times, but I'm willing to face that. So, in all, I understand her position. But so much of her statements were of ignorance and that makes me sad.

I still have not told my boss, just never seems like the right time. For my boss, I know the 'adoption' part he will be indifferent on. I think he will actually be happy about us starting a family. My concern with him is the work part. My boss is kind of like a dad to me and someone I HATE to dissapoint. He is a work-aholic, loves his job and would do it 24/7 if he could have his way. He will not be happy about me quitting my job. In his eyes, I will throwing away my education. I'll fully admit that quitting my job IS scary. I never envisioned my life going this way, but I think it's a good thing. Deep down, I know I'm not 'throwing away' my education because college was so much more than just a Masters in Engineering, but I do still wrestle with that thought.

So, I have yet to jump that hurdle, but I DID tell his wife! Baby steps. :) And of course, she was happy about it like I knew she would be. So, perhaps she can work on softening his heart on thinking I'm a failure for quitting my job, well, for now anyway. I don't plan on being retired from the working world for life, but at least while the kid(s) are younger. However, I doubt I will go back to engineering as I won't be able to maintain my license. But my future job prospects are concerns for another day.

I'm looking forward to the weekend as a couple of my best friends from college are coming for a visit. See, I told you college was more than just the education! Their worth alone is immeasurable!

Really?!

You know that mobile phone commercial out right now where people are so into their phones that they are oblivious to the world around them and onlookers exclaim, "REALLY?!" as it is all just so ridiculous? Well, that's about how I feel with some of the remarks and reactions I've received from people on our plans to adopt. It's sad that so many have a negative view on adoption because they 'heard' this and 'heard' that, yet they don't 'know' for themselves.

First, let me take a step back as it will have a point later on, trust me. And this isn't a nice subject, but it is a part of me and the older I get, the less I want to hide it because if I speak out and give someone else the confidence to speak out against it, then I've done a good thing. I was sexually abused by my paternal grandfather when I was a child. Yep, horrible. I'm thankful that I had a sister who was brave enough to tell a friend, who was strong enough to tell an after school program teacher, who didn't blow it off and told my mom. And I am so blessed to have a mom who believed us, advocated for us, and took us away from that situation. How people can say a child can make up such horrific acts, is beyond me. Anyway, we went through counseling, and I am a strong person. He can't hurt me anymore and it's not something that I dwell on. It's turned over to God and what a weight off my shoulders! However, I am marked so to speak. I wanted to work in the church nursery/preschool to start interacting with younger kids, anything to help with raising our own. However, going through the screening/application process I immediately knew I would be banned. Why? The glaring question, "Have you ever been sexually abused?" Sadly, there is some statistic out there that states that those who were abused are more likely to do it to someone else. It's something I cannot even fathom doing, but I knew I had to withdraw. While it's frustrating, I get it and there is no sense in getting angered by it, there are other ways I can help the church and help myself help kids.

So, now, back to adoption. I have been absolutely floored with the responses I have received when telling others about our plans. And yes, many have been positive, but it's the negative ones that keep you from sleeping at night. The negative responses go something like this, "Why don't you have your 'own' kids." As if adopted wouldn't be my own child. Number 2 is, "You do know those kids from the state are troubled/messed up/bad (insert your own negative word here)."

My most recent outrage, and this person truly takes the cake, occured yesterday. I decided it was time to tell those I work with since we have told so many people and I didn't want them to hear it second hand. I knew I would be approached with negativity from a certain someone as this is her nature. However, I suppose I wasn't fully prepared to take the blow.

It went a little something like this after I told her we were adopting: "What?! Why?! I mean, that's great but why don't you have your own kids first?" These will be my kids! "I know, but you need to feel that life growing inside of you." Alright, so I broke down and shared that I didn't think we'd be able to have our own without medical help, but really, that has nothing to do with it. I am fine without 'carrying a child.' Perhaps there is something wrong with me, but I just don't have that emotional need. And yes, I get that it is a beautiful thing and if I ever experience it, I would be grateful. But I have heard this several times, 'why don't you just have your own kids.' It's sad that adoption is viewed as second best. I hate hate hate that stigma. We are all God's creatures and we are all to be loved and to receive His grace.

She then returned to my office to say something that almost had me fly off the handle: "You are an intelligent person, and Clint is an intelligent person, which means you would probably have an intelligent child. These kids (those in foster care) are troubled and messed up." REALLY?? Seriously?! A) Who knows what our child would be like. We are all individuals, all unique. What if we had a special needs child? Or, back to the, what if we can't have a biological child? B) Yes, these kids are troubled, wouldn't you be if you had to endure abuse and neglect? So, somehow they are worth less? Aren't worth loving? Can't overcome and be intelligent people? And who says intelligence has anything to do with measures of self worth? And here is where my point in the beginning ties back in: I was sexually abused, lived with an alcoholic and drug addicted father, am I troubled and messed up (perhaps, one should not answer that, lol) and not worth loving? It's interesting because she was telling me that I shouldn't 'just give up' on the nursery issue that it wasn't fair to me. Well then, what about all these children? And no, I don't have my head in the sand thinking that all will be peachy and I am somehow 'saving' these children and that I will make them angels. I know it will be tough, parenthood is tough, but having children isn't about just 'helping the kids'. We need them as much as they need us. It's a two-way street.

The final straw, race. It makes me want to cry just thinking about it. I told her I was fine with adopting any race, however that I did have reservations about adopting an African American child. The reason, I don't want them to miss out on their heritage. Yet, if I can provide them a loving home and prevent them from bouncing around 'the system' then perhaps I would be doing the right thing. It's something I struggle with, I just don't want them to feel like they are missing out on a huge part of who they are, but I would do my best to integrate their heritage into our lives. Anyway, this person got this look of...disgust at the thought of having to touch an African American child. Oh my! My heart is in a million pieces. Now, this was in discussion of trying to do the simple act of doing their hair. I was talking about how I would have to learn how to do intricate hair stylings, but I am up for the challenge, I've seen others master it! And you should have seen the braids I could whip out on my My Little Ponies as a child!

Anyway, yesterday really broke me down, but only made me more determined. I pray God will use me as a voice to the world that adoption is not 'second best' or that anyone is unworthy in his sight.

Catching up

How has it already been three weeks since my last post? Time sure does fly! Speaking of flying, that's just what we got to do a couple of weeks ago! Clint's boss owns his own plane and took us up for a ride during the Reklaw fly-in. I hope to discuss that more when I download the pictures. It was such a neat experience and I am so glad I overcame my fear to get in the plane!

Since my last post I also celebraed another birthday. I'm well into my thirties now, no turning back! That's alright though, doesn't bother me. I had a nice low-key birthday and Clint got me an awesome spa package that I thoroughly enjoyed.

We also got to watch the Rangers in the World Series! First time I've ever been engaged in baseball, but what fun! Even if they didn't win it all, they're still winners in my book. Sadly, the Dallas Cowboys are not. Football has been hard for us this year as our teams are not so hot, but that's the way it goes, you can't always be on top.

Hannah's House - They finally found a place to lease! And then they hope to purchase the land/house once their property in Glen Rose sells. Also, I have been asked to teach the finance classes to the girls. I'm excited, yet nervous at the same time. Not sure when I will start as we were supposed to have a volunteer retreat this past weekend, but too many people backed out so now it is not scheduled until February.

Leadership Longview - We have selected the ARC of Gregg County as our project. We will be designing some gardens for them. We took measurements today and will get rolling on a budget soon so that we can begin the fundraising.

So, that's the last three weeks in a nutshell. Clint and I were able to attend some adoption breakout sessions this past weekend which were really great. I think we have both come to terms that we will need to be willing to foster. It's not that we are against it, but we know letting go will be SO hard to do, but at least we can have comfort in knowing that we provided a safe and loving home no matter how temporary.

I have a lot to discuss about adoption, but will wait until tomorrow. To say that I am frustrated would be an understatement. I knew we would be met with criticism on our decision, but I am really blown away at some of the reactions I have received, especially from one particular person. My ranting will be long, so I will discuss more later. I got so mad today that it's hard to even put my thoughts into words.